Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
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Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:![]()
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.