Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.

Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?

to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it

Me: I slept through the second half of that movie

Kids: And the first half

Me: Yes

I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster

Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”

7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?

Me: Math

Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes

INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no

I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.

Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.

I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!

*God creating the rhino*

God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.

Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!

You’re welcome!

* see weird traffic pattern

* turns down radio

* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole

* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole

What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.

People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right

My 1st grader is home sick today and this morning I caught him trying to cough directly onto his older brother.

I asked why he did that and he said it’s because he loves him and thinks he deserves a day off of school too.

For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in

Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time

why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford

“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.

Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.

*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*

How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.

are americans worse off?

in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.

I’m sorry I don’t speak any English

-me when someone starts talking to me

-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.

-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.

Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.

Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.

And send.

real