Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store

The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.

me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening

Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?

Librarian: stop talking

I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”

Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉

My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.

if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.

Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.

Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t

I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove

My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”

NO ONE TELL HER

“I propose a toast”

“I propose a bagel.”

“Ya bagel, much better.”

So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.

Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?

[working at prison coffee shop]

I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business

My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.

Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery

This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.

My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.

Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.

imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol

thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?

They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.

I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…

Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?

Cashier: Smile!

Me: Worry about your own face.