Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t. Being lazy.

You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?

Dear Gym,

I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…

I’m just using you to get into my own pants.

Patient: When I broke my hip, you were there for me.
When I fell, you were there for me.
When I got MRSA you were there for me. And now that I’m dying, here you are again. Do you know what I think of that?
Me: What?
Patient: I think you’re bad luck!

Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.

I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.

The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.

me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”

I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭

I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.

How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?

Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*

Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.

There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH

If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?

Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’

I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.

My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.

interviewer: questions about the job?

me: how can I get suspended with pay

It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”

Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.

It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.

You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.

Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.

Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.

I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.

-people that are about to start ugly crying

If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.

I don’t make the rules.

Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out

me: goodnight moon 🙂

moon: goodnight

me: goodnight stars 🙂

stars: goodnight

me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂

security guard: how the hell did you get in here

Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours

The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.