KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
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Can’t. Being lazy.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Patient: When I broke my hip, you were there for me.
When I fell, you were there for me.
When I got MRSA you were there for me. And now that I’m dying, here you are again. Do you know what I think of that?
Me: What?
Patient: I think you’re bad luck!
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.