KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
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Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
OH. COME. ON.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous