Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem

ME: *raising hand confidently* no

Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat

(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang

CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.

TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.

i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi

Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people

Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!

Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes

[1st date]

“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”

Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th

If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.

-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.

[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?

[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food

Wendy’s manager: you are very fired

The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕

[Court]

ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?

BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah

ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*

*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.

My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.

I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.

Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.

I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.

6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?

Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.

6: Yeah. By himself.

Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]

Me: Don’t move!

Toddler: [sits on spill]

Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?

Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic

please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.

Penguins walking in 5x speed

Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago

[Bowling date]

Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…

Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe

I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time

then compulsively fluff it for a month.

Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?

No way you’re all at church.

Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words