*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
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Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Happy Caturday!
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom
-Jurassic period Grindr
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”