Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: Being an adult is easier

Me: No way, childhood is

Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES

*Shooting star flies overhead*

Son: Wait this sucks

Me: No take backs

Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.

Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds

me: *how* many seconds???

I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.

[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.

I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless

A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.

I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.

You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post

wife is going to Sarajevo for work and my father in law was like “be careful, that is not a safe country, archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot there”

COME ON KRUSE #fencing

me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick

I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”

Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do

[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?

Me: I need a vacation by myself.

Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.

kidnapper: we have your son

dad: oh my god let me talk to him

kidnapper: very well

dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees

Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors

You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.

Wife: our daughter just said shit.

Me: oh no! what do we do?

Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.

Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?

It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity

Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.

[inserting row in excel]

Excel: copy font format from the row above?

Me: no I’ll handle it

Excel: and copy border from below?

Me: no why?

Excel: idk :/

Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?

Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂

an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet

Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh

I downloaded a Canadian true crime podcast and the first episode was about a guy who ordered a dozen doughnuts at Tim Hortons, but he received 13 instead… And he didn’t tell anybody.

Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question

I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.

When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home

Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away