*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
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Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.