Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
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I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.