Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
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There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?