Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places

My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing it

I have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him

This is motherhood

Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.

Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing

[First date]

Her: I love to travel.

Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.

Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat

[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”

yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other

Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out

Them: what charity are you raising money for?

Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?

Me: Night love.

11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?

It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president

4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”

Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”

Sleep well tonight, kid.

[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier

I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.

My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat

I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.

‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’

I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.

Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…

I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

Like sleeping!

My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.

College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens

The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”

Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight

I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.

If we run out of candy, I’m passing out Taco Bell sauce packets. Don’t worry, they’re mild or I would’ve eaten them by now.