Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
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From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
tis the season
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt
that de-escalated quickly
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names