Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
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*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
This one, by a wide margin
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Corn Dogs: Uninserted
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
😆this is so true
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
is frankincense just very honest incense?
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
The struggle is real
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’