Kids: Stay in school.
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*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
weddings should have a worst man
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.