Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.

Me: I hate drama.

Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.

Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.

When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.

I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.

I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.

The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.

cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town

me: but if you were, what bus would you take

Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth

her: wow your armpit is really big

me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer

When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.

Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?

No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.

grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-

*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*

grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me

I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps

[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar

ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?

THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?

Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her

WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol

one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol

[at recycling center]

Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*

Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*

*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..

I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home

Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i

Other Titanic lookout: hmmm

In 1991 my Dad bought a whole frozen doner kebab meat cylinder off a bloke in the pub, which almost ended my parent’s marriage x

Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me!

[Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting

ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?

HIM: Beers

ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.

Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door

I gave a yelp review once.

In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.

Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.

Ah to hear the music of the angles!