Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that

I like to think I’m smart

Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground

Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.

*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*

~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé

sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.

Photobombing Giraffe 😅

When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!

When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”

It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house

If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.

Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?

why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?

My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.

Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.

Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.

*controversially pours a glass of milk*

Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake

If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.

HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.

I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.

Jesus: I can turn water into wine.

Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]

Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.

Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.

Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK

I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.

If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader

Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket