Kids: Stay in school.
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[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔
My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
lol
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.