Kids: Stay in school.
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Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
No, YOUR illiterate.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
My wife is so cute with her love of crime documentaries and her fascination with serial killers and her internet searches for “untraceable poisons” and “how to dispose of a body.” Wait.