Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
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little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why