Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”

If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”

My name will always be Matt.

The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.

It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.

HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.

her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours

JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*

My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock

me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way

Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her

I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”

I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though

Wife: *packing a bag*

Me: Where are you going?

W: I’m leaving you for my boss

M: Don’t go—

W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind

M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note

W: I despise you

Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”

Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”

DATING: Goodnight

ENGAGED: Sweet dreams

MARRIED: Is the car locked?

“Help yourself!”

– people who don’t want to help you

*first day of umpire school*

Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?

Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine

Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.

Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.

I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)

I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle

I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.

Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?

Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.

When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]

*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*

Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left

Me: oh no

Doctor: my next appointment is here

Me: ohhh jesus I thought

Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will

[guy about to invent bowling]

let’s have some fun, but not too much

I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.

My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.