Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
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Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Astrologer: do you know what we say about November birthdays?
Me: that the Valentines lingerie worked?
Astrologer: no
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?