Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
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It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Love thy neighbor’s dog
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?