Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went to a job interview, and it didn’t go well.

How was I supposed to know HTML doesn’t mean how to make lasagna?

I mean, I don’t know how to make lasagna either, but they didn’t know that.

If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️

I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”

I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”

My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice

#haiku

[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”

One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.

3: Who’s that on your shirt?

Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.

3: I don’t like him.

Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?

me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here

Genie: I will grant you one wish

Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind

Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle

Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.

If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

Me: I’ve hit rock bottom

The Rock: Harder

(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.

My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.

He also looks really rough for a 4 year old

I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.

Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.

Partner: One of us?

Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.

You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.

Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?

ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*

[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]

her: *glares*

me: you’re late

Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.

*sets phone on fire*

What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?

Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*

Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood

On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal

oh u like history? name everything that happened

Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation

Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations