Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.

Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart

[spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is McConaughey

McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?

Judge: We have no idea

The United Steaks of America

GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn

My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.

[wife frantically searching the house]

Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere

[me napping on couch]

OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS

[at office Halloween party]

Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards

Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache

“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….

me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?

wife: give me back the baby

Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way

Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.

Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister

I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.

me: lol THAT’S your sword?

enemy: this blade can cut through steel

me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot

them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz

So sick of all these stupid rules

My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.

Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.

911: 911, whats your emergency?

Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.

911: what’s your location?

Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.

911: can you spell that for me?

Man: (pause)

911: Sir?

Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back

[checking into a hotel]

Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away

Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here

The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.

Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.

According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch

but I can’t throw my chair at him

Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.

Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂

me: [dancing in a well lit area]

Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not

Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.

Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?

2020: Haha you have no idea.