Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
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*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
The pediatrician: What do you eat at your house?
My 5yo: MOSTLY NACHOS
Me: I mean, that’s not ALL we eat, hon.
5yo: YOU ARE RIGHT. WE ALSO EAT COSTCO PIZZA
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ａｌｗａｙｓ