Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
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Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
kinda fun if literal: earwigs
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
My diet starts in January
of 2027
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser
money maker
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.