Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
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I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.