Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
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“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
“This cashier is a dipshit.”
– Me at self checkout
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”