Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
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I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Me irl
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Debate Night is anytime you ask, “so, where do you want to eat?”
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine