Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
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remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
I occasionally drink every single night.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender