kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
You Might Also Like
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Grandmother clock.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.
My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats