Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you

Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.

5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?

Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..

When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.

Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow

TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT

1977: stayin’ alive

2020: stayin’ alive

my body: please, eat something green

me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*

i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there

*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*

selfie game

Are you dating a bunch of bees?

I’m not sad, I’m big moaned

adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”

My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.

[dinner party]

*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise

[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.

The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.

oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head

My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…

I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?

gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”

omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo

2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary

2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement

If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.

Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries

I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date

But also the kind of friend that will make it say:

“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”

Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.