Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
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My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Do kids still eat Tide Pods? I forgot to buy candy.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?