Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
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me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
I’ve watched so many docuseries about cults lately, I think I would be good at it, you know, as a member. Honestly, cults look like a blast at the beginning and middle just before all the crimes start.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Best comet pics yet. 🤣 ☄️
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
whatever you do don’t give your heart away for christmas, this one dude never got his back and won’t shut up about it
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*