Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”

[lava kids playing in a volcano]

“the floor is linoleum!”

[me flirting]

Cute guy: hey how’s it goin

Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES

Cute guy:

Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM

Cute guy: *backing away*

Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY

YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids

I would probably have too much fun as a mortician asking customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking” as opposed to “Cremation” or “Burial”.

[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childish

her: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday

WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.

ME: “Your”

[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?

9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday

I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.

It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.

“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.

a house without a chimney should be called a nouse

Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off

Co-pilot: what

Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!

At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next

Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?

Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar

Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?

That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.

doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office

News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave

[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”

“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter

The algorithm is predicting some tough times ahead for ya boy

God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!

I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.

[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

Him: omg this is cray cray

Me: ok that was easy

I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.

I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.