Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.
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Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 馃檪
Me: oh God no
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you鈥檙e hired
Me: I鈥檓 sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Accidentally sent a guy a 馃槈 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it鈥檚 him.