Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.
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There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
These work great until they don’t.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
I saw instructions in a mens restroom on how to wash your hands properly. How stupid is that? As if men read instructions
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish