Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.
You Might Also Like
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
“I’m good at getting you on the line but I can never reel you in. Just can’t actually land you. No one even knows if it’s possible, you’re like the Loch Ness monster. Legend has it that one idiot caught you once but you got away.”
Questionable as a compliment but I liked it.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
discovering that i’ve become kind of a savant for determining if checked baggage is under the weight limit because 23kg is just a bit under the weight of a full 20L keg. just one of the many positive things beer has given me
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.