Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.
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I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
thinking about this
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”