Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
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thoughts?
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?
‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update