Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
You Might Also Like
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Someone just called me a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
how to have an accident 101
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*