Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
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If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
IT support is currently working on fixing the problem. Thanks for your patience.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening
Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.