Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.

She hates bananas.

THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”

ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”

Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.

My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?

Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.

Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.

[son falls over & hurts himself]

ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC

WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?

ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?

[on first date]

Let me get that for you.

*holds door open*

“May I help you, sir?”

Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…

If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ

I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.

Son: moms and aunts are sisters, right?

Me: Yes

S: Then why do aunts show up with Lego sets, cookie cake and Roblox gift cards, and moms just cook healthy meals and say no?

*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”

Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you

Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.

the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”

House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”

I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.

[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??

Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.

I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.

Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away

A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.

If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches

microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold

me: what if you cooked it just right

microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks

anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death

Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort

What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?

I’ll go first: I went to college.

[loud fighting downstairs]

Me: What’s this about?

10-year-old: Nothing.

Me: You have to be fighting over something.

10: We really don’t.

Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.

Which is basically the same thing.

Principal: Your son is a gamer

[Parents are visibly shaken]

Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.

Parents: OH THANK GOD

this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead

*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers