Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”

I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.

*sinks into depression*

Depression: “Wrong hole.”

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.

Son: Being an adult is easier

Me: No way, childhood is

Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES

*Shooting star flies overhead*

Son: Wait this sucks

Me: No take backs

if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.

I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat

What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?

I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.

A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.

Step One: Have kids.

When can I start eating bats again.

My dentist has me so hyped up this morning, I’m thinking of creating a dating profile that just says “never had a cavity” and watching the matches roll in.

ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU

ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES

Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME

And I laughed so hard I cried

So yeah! I’m great at dating

“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.

IAN: I broke my leg once

ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]

THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE

I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.

I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.

Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.

Do one thing every day that scares people.

me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known

coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm

Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have

I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep

You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”

Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”

8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.

Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me

Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.

Now I feel sick

I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?

I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.

– me flirting