Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
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#have a #great #PancakeDay
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.