Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
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Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
How to woo a woman
Hot hot hot 🥵
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
A couple who are silly together stay together.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN