Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
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Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
man’s car is covered in blood and tree leaves
Police officer: what’s with the blood?Driver: I hit a lawyer
Police officer: that explains the blood, but what about the leaves?
Driver: I had to chase him through the park first
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Just left the polling place and they’re…clapping? They’re saying I was the best voter and I was so easy to work with and listened to the instructions so well and I made all the correct choices and no ones ever done it as well as me before. The poll worker lady is crying
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.