Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
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Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
I saw some guy got arrested when he tried to steal two salamis by sticking them in his pants. I bet if he had only stolen one, he might have gotten away with it.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Grandmother clock.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Somedays I just love AI so much
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Me: I’m not much of a sports guy anymore.
Me, during the Olympics: Bear with me. The US women’s water polo team absolutely embarrassed Greece in the pool this morning, and I lost my voice in all the excitement. You understand.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!