Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
You Might Also Like
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Good morning
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.