Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.

it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking

Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.

Me: I only want two strips of bacon.

Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.

Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.

Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent

Me if I was a dog

Me: I forbid you to go!

Her: What was that?

Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”

I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”

Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.

“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons

It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.

turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU

When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.

I walked into a pub with my wife..

The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?

I said That sounds like a fair swap

If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to

I’d rather fork than spoon.

I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”

Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”

I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join

When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.

so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum

While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems

Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.

My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.

*school is cancelled indefinitely*

My kids: Mom, why are you crying?

I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.

I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest

What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?

When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”