Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.

I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English

Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.

Death certificates are our last participation award.

GF: that spoon is still dirty

ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher

GF: I can see the mayo on it

ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now

I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.

What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?

Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.

Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least

Hero horse inspires millions

My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.

This is bullshit.

If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts

In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.

Judge: How do you plead?

Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?

Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho

My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.

What happened to the metaverse? Are people still stuck in there? How can I help?

Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!

My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”

me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!

Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.

I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.

I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.

I love my sister and even when I struggled as a teenage lesbian shes been a wonderful ally but how do I tell her that whenever we’re watching something and an unexpected gay scene happens she doesn’t have to turn to me and stare at me like this 😊

[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.

Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!

texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe

Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.

Is it because I’m brown??

Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.

*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.