Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: what’s your fantasy?

me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me

her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy

me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon

Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave

9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?

A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.

chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.

I just had a near sex experience.

My wife flashed before my eyes.

If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.

My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering

Dentist: You grind at night.

Me: Oh, game recognize game.

Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?

Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?

Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*

*being born

my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT

Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character

Him: ok so your password needs to be

Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test

This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed

A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.

I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.

Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.

Me: *points at romantic relationships*

God: *slaps my hand* NO

unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs

I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.

Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.

The Book. The Movie.

“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”

Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.

After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.

*3:30 am

House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?

Smoke alarm: I had last week

Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.

HA: Water heater?

WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!

Me: *almost falls out of bed*

HA: HAHAHA! Good work!

Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.

Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.

“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”

Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”

“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”

My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.