Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!

I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*

Surgeon: You should be asleep.

Me: it’s time to go to sleep

3: Nope, I don’t think so

Me: who asked you?!

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.

Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL

Australia just passed the “Right to Disconnect” law which allows workers to ignore their bosses outside working hours so looks like I’m moving to Sydney.

I’d like to schedule a disappointment.

Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today

Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon

Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.

-Management

Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!

Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?

Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.

Wife: I counted 19.

Me: Well I rounded down.

[at dog park]

ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.

THEM: is, is that a crab?

ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.

I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”

#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,

it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.

“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.

Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?

God: I don’t play favorites.

Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?

God: those are just names.

Pug: yeah I guess.

God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.

Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?

what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90

Friend: Let’s get a table outside

Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?

1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM

Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen

I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.

“Things. We did things”

You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.

“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.

Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?

Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.

As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.

[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding

[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”

Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.