Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
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You’re so cultured I’mma start calling you Yogurt.
A wise man once said “Just one small positive thought in the morning can change your whole day”
Me: “i think i’ll stay in bed”
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.
This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much
I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process: