Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
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WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.