kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
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It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Lmao 😁
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Oh deer
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Pass gas, not judgment.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Geez man, take it easy.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”