kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
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Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.