kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
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Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.
*my husband
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.