kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
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Stop making fast and furious movies.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
*checks Timeline*…
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
The name Sir Mix-a-lot sounds like he would be better at baking than rapping
having a job is cool but everydayyy???