kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
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Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
become ungovernable
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity