Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.

We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.

me: I don’t like other people’s kids

them: how old are yours?

me: I don’t have any

Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?

“I’LL BE BACH.”

I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.

Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land

“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.

Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball

it was love at first sight

Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?

Me: Butternut Squash

Unimpressed

Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.

Me: *they’re.

My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.

911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”

Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.

Doctor’s office: Please hold.

Me: Okay.

Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?

Me: Please hold.

wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes

Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…

[traffic court]

Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets

JUDGE: Repeat infractions?

Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets

As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…

[airplane nose dives]

*turns to kid behind

‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’

Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY

Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations

You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?

What a website

did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment

I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.

*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*

Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?

3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!

Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.

I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair

My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.

I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store