“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
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me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Before & after 😅
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Hot wings have killed many people starting with a dude named Icarus.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)