Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Swedish massage]

masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*

Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.

My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.

WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe

Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.

Me: Do you like my new negligé?

Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?

Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.

Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit

The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.

My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.

I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.

Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.

In which case, everyone hates you.

I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks

Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.

Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.

I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.

I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.

[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes

I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.

Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.

*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*

Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!

Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.

Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.

Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try

Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.

Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.

how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism

Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy

On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten

NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS

Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid

My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.

She’s stuck at work again.

ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful

HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was

ME: ok now i’m bummed again