Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
You Might Also Like
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Yes
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Grow up never but we old may grow we
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Witness: and in the lead up to the trial I was being intimidated, finding dead animals left on my doorstep.
Cat lawyer: objection! How can we trust someone who doesn’t know a BRIBE when they see one?
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
