Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life

Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy

Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife

Me: Have you considered budgeting?

I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!

I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest

2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.

3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then

This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.

Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.

Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money

walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid

(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay

Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-

[semi-truck drives by]

Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?

Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?

Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all

Moderator: your word is “impatient”

Sloth: can you use it

Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“

Sloth: in a

Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*

Sloth: oh great thank you

Moderator: what the

The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.

I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.

What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight

you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading

Police Officer: “Turn around!”

Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”

debt collector: your bill is outstanding

duck: thank you

I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.

With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us

*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*

I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.

[8 AM]

Me: Time to wake up.

[13 HOURS LATER]

Me: Time to go to bed.

Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.

When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.

Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.

Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.

And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.

“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”

“Omphalophobia.”

“Why do you know that?!?”

“I studied at the Navel Academy.”

*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!

If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die