Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
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Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.