Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.

*eats tiny amount of kale*

I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE

Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?

My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.

“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?

I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “

Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.

Thanks for following

Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?

Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.

I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.

My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.

[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?

thank god I have a cat. who else is gonna shit in this box I have

When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”

1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.

Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited

Obama: Joe

Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK

banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball

I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.

If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste

The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.

I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?

Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’

[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad

[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat

Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”

Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”

Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”

waiter: is pepsi ok

pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok

My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”

going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin

My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.

[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]

I reached for the kitchen scissors and they weren’t there so someone is very very lucky this cheese opened on the tear line like it’s supposed to.