Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
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My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
real
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored