Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
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Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Remember story of man who phoned work to say he couldn’t get in as there was a Cat on top his car
Employer said
Well shift the bloody Cat & get to work
The Cat was one those CAT tractor type vehicles & atop his car
😂
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will