Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
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[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
my first day as a raccoon
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.