Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?

Sarcasm…

Because mocking you directly would be rude.

People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.

A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.

Me: pass me that cup

Kid: *gives me cup*

Me: I didn’t say simon says haha

[Later]

Me: PASS… MY… INHALER

Kid: not falling for that again

Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day

I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.

4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!

Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers

4:

Me:

4: Next time buy ones with candy in them

I enjoy a good short stor

I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.

Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit

ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.

Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.

If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.

My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”

Zack Greinke stories are the best

It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.

I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.

If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.

[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real

Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.

Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*

Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.

Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.

Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…

THERAPIST: You’re cured.

ME: Really?!?

THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?

Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.

Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document

This week, we’re celebrating International No Wi-Fi Day! 📴✨
#WawawiwaComics