Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.

Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this

Well that tweet went over like a tuna fish milkshake.

I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.

I’m biased: I have four buttocks.

Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.

[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good

There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”

In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)

When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.

worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol

Gf: Let’s role-play

Me: Ok you be a writer

Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write

Me: ooh that’s good

Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”

The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.

Trust my gut? The thing that makes weird gurgling noises immediately when a work meeting goes quiet.

When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.

Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8

Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset

Me: You’re adopted

Ted: What? How long have I been a dop

(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??

The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.

I’d describe him as a little standoffish.

walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”

My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…

[Hoth Rebel Base]

Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe

😭😭

Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough

Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.

If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this

Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy

I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bears

They really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes

Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑