Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
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A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
cyclists
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
🗽
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
“Let’s break a leg today guys!”
–Actors and mobsters getting pumped for work