Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
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A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
My mum just messaged to say that yesterday she turned off her 20 year old PC, ‘at the wall’, without shutting it down properly. ‘That couldn’t have caused anything, could it?’ 😂
‘Probably’.