Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
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There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
I need this for my side hustle.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Does this dress make me look cat?
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story