Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
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Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
can’t believe I got front row seats
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Stop sending me this shit.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.