Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
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[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Ummm 😳