Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
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9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Believing everything you read on the internet is the key
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said ‘It’s going to rain.’
His wife asked, ‘How do you know?’
He replied, ‘Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Accidentally bought a pound of unsalted butter so, if I’m your Secret Santa, well…
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Happy weekend !
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting