Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.

Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.

Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too

[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this

“What are you going to wear today?”

Sunscreen and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.

[in class]

Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!

Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean

6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?

Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.

[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?

Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.

swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again

New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.

I think the cat got the dog high.

Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.

T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.

T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?

T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.

If not now, then when? If not you, then who?

— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it

whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it

[watching Tangled with my Daughter]

Daughter: dada

Me: yes?

Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?

Me: I mean-I do now.

[returning toothpaste]

Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.

All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos

You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.

You ever see someone driving and immediately understand why they’re missing a bumper?

My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.

Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function

Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece

Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this

Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???

His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’

Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.

No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!

Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?

Maybe there is no baby

I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams

Now I’m hungry.

I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living